be here now
it's the best plan I've got.
There’s a snowfall warning today.
It’s following another big dump of snow the city is still reeling from earlier this month. We know more snow is coming, but the exact amount is not sure. Will we get the full 25 cm snow dump that's forecasted, or only 10 cm? Will the roads only be awful, or will they be even worse than expected? Do we have enough storm chips? These are important questions.
In many ways, I feel the same uncertainty about the years ahead. I know what to expect, but I also don't.
I've been struggling to write and process what happened November 5th. I'm still more upset about the voters who chose to support what Trump represents than I am about his victory. Every week, I find myself surprised to discover another person in my life who supports MAGA and condones fascist, hateful ideologies.
What's coming is not just "politics" that can be politely avoided in conversations. It's hard not to feel consumed by the terrible policies and actions that may come in the days ahead.
Which means I need to talk about it, write about it, and be proactive. I can't afford to get swept up in the undertow of the high tide of awful that lies ahead.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine posted a story remembering her husband. She shared how, when he was dying of cancer, she often found herself slipping into a projected future full of dread and loss. In these disconnected moments, her partner would gently remind her to "be here now," as he was still there with her.
I think she shared this story because she knows some of us might feel similar emotions of doom and despair. She encouraged us to try our best, whenever we feel ourselves slipping into doomscrolling the future, to instead "be here now."
I’ve been thinking a lot of how I can do more work to be here now.
I also thought of "be here now" in light of my recovery. For a long time, I couldn't be in the present moment — I desperately wanted to escape. I'm beginning to realize that all those moments of numbing did not just make me forget the hard parts of my life; they also prevented me from experiencing much of its joy.
"Be here now" seems like such an important (but simple) mantra, and it's one I'm going to remember.
How have I tried to be here now? Well, I deleted my Twitter, for one. If you know me, you know how much this social media outlet has been a lifeline for me, personally and professionally.
I’m also on a news diet — if the world is going to die a late-stage capitalism death, I do not have to witness each part of it. My nervous system deserves better.
I’m pouring more kindness into my teaching, while working to save some for the people I work with.
I’m taking more naps with my cat. Under a heated blanket.
I am performing my own vehicle maintenance: I’ve been taking my vitamins, sitting by my SAD light, and I’m working hard not to listen to my inner critic as much.
I still laugh at memes, and watch bad tv. I look forward to get guilted into going to classes at the gym.
I will keep showing up. And I won’t give up.
Things that brought me joy this week:
We are already decorated for Christmas — and yes, we've had decorations up since November 12th, no regrets. I bought a Bluetooth timer for my outside lights that I can control with my phone, and I'm as happy as any white, cis straight middle-aged man could get.
Emma made the Honour Roll for grade 11! We weren't sure if she would make it, since last year was quite the roller coaster. This award feels especially significant, knowing what she has overcome to earn it.
For Xmas this year, I bought myself a sober advent calendar, and I’m looking forward to adding even more goodies to my mocktail stockpile. Yesterday’s find was “cantaloupe mint” sparkly water.
A student from the Winter of 2020 reached out to thank me for teaching them in their first-year tech comm course. They particularly remembered how I taught about passive voice using zombies. It's always nice to be reminded that I'm good at what I do. (It's also late November, and everything is terrible while teaching at this point in the term.)
Here’s our Xmas “card” for the year — I’ve made bookmarks that uses a pointed enthymeme:
Lemme know if you want one!
PhDing: haha what PhD? I need to get back to it, but I am drowning in a morass of marking.
Watching: The Dark Side of Reality TV. Reading: Here One Moment by Liane Moriarty. Listening: I guess time makes fools of us all by Father John Misty. (on loop)
Meme of the week:
There’s a meme going round that says every time you put up a tree before December Mariah Carey eats the soul of one of Santa’s elves. Just a heads up. ( if you come over to Bluesky you can find me at @tedspurgeon.bsky.social If for no other reason than to know when all the good book sales happen! )
I think I deactivated my toxic site account a week or so before you did. I'm glad you took that route as well, and that you finally made it to Bluesky... I have a feeling that the network you had at the former will make its way to Bluesky as well.
Also, I've similarly cut myself off from watching the news. I might have watched a minute of election coverage once the polls closed, and while the results were not known at that time, what little I saw convinced me it was going to be a bad night. I haven't watched a second of MSNBC since. It seems pointless to allow myself to be bombarded with news and commentary about the awfulness when I already know what awfulness lies ahead.