This little newsletter of mine has been abandoned for a bit, and I wish I could say it was because it was because my life has been so sunshiney and rainbowey that I didn't have the time to sit down & write. However, as is the case for most people these days, the last little while for me has been rough.
My last newsletter entry was cryptic, but I can now say that I'm in the process of obtaining decision-making responsibility (aka custody) of my daughter. She's made a choice, and I’m here to support her as best I can. But it's been a hard year for us both.
It's late November here in the prairies, and it's a time of transition to the part of the year that I find the most challenging: WINTER. It's a time of stillness, darkness, and cold -- and the older I become, the more I preemptively feel the dread of the cold days ahead. Because I'm aware of my attitude towards this chilly season, I realized earlier this week that I needed a change in my mindset, and fast. I knew if I didn't start making specific efforts to take better care of myself before these dark days hit, it would be even harder for me to get through.
It's cruel that it can take a long time to feel better, and that it's only through consistency when you notice the results of your efforts. I wish I had a magic switch or pill that could help this healing speed up, but it's not the case.
Instead, it will require me to be an adult and care for myself. Drink water. Exercise. Therapy. Sleep. Work-life balance. Socialize. Childcare. Laundry. (and all the other tedious and time-consuming elements of living a life)
I have written before about how challenging it is to work on one's inner self, but despite its difficulty (and my lack of success?), it's still a pursuit I try my best to explore. Yet lately I have been feeling very STUCK in this self-awareness process.
I think I'm still getting over some wounds I felt from my last therapy run, where so much of it was based in Bowen family systems theory. What I loved the most about that form of cognitive behavior therapy was its emphasis on personal responsibility, and the need to recognize the role you play in the difficulties of your life. But now that I'm starting to look at this "stuckness" that I'm currently in, I can begin to see how harmful the personal responsibility angle can be, especially when one takes it too far.
I grew up in the evangelical church. Part of the doctrine of that belief system is to believe humans were born corrupt and broken, needing a savior. Even though I no longer subscribe to that damaging belief, I know I have that mindset instilled. And as a result, I think I'm always really hard on myself, and I tend to often shift into shame mode when it comes to all the negative parts of what makes me, me.
This week, I've made a point to start daily journaling again, and I also picked up this book: The Science of Stuck -- and after 5 days of this latest reboot, I can say that I'm starting to feel a little less stuck. I think it's because I'm beginning to examine the most challenging parts of me: my shadow self.
Jung wrote: "How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole." (fine, Jung said some good things)
For a while now, I know I have not been whole -- and now I think it's because I haven't made much peace with the darker parts of myself. Instead of being curious about these parts of me, I often shut down with regret and smoosh it down to forget. After all, as a “fallen” creature, that's what I'm supposed to do, right? However, in avoiding my bad parts only to focus on the good, I can see now that it has left me feeling not whole.
The book encouraged me to instead take a more curious POV, rather than my usual fallback of a judgmental one. And when I began seeing myself more kindly and observing my behavior through more of a curious lens, I began seeing myself differently.
It is still early, but I have already experienced a shift and a sense of peace that I haven't experienced in a long time. I no longer want to hide from my shadows, and I do not need to be so ashamed about them.
What a shift. I’m a stuck mess — not because I’m broken inside, but because I’ve been ignoring what is going on in there.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m much better at helping others than I am when it comes to helping myself. It is a muscle that I admittedly do not flex enough. It is easier to help someone else manage their life's problems than it is to do what it is that helps me. Sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.
But since starting this last reboot and forcing myself to not ignore all parts of myself, I can already feel myself getting unstuck. I don’t need to hide from my shadows: my imperfections are just as much a part of me as my successes.
I don't know if you needed to hear this message, but if you do, here it is. Being stuck is okay, and it’s not a moral failing. But if you want to get out of stuck, you gotta look at your shadows. And be willing to help yourself out.
Things that have been bringing me joy over the last few weeks:
My ethics application for my dissertation project is submitted! It took me much longer to complete it, but I have learned so much in the process. My project has a structure and aim, and I’m (cautiously) looking forward to hearing back from the research ethics board about what they thought. Wish me luck!
As an atheist I happily supported Flamy Grant’s Kickstarter campaign to release a Christian disco/gospel/folk/funk record, because I am all about backing that fabulous voice in the church. There’s still a few days left in her campaign if you’d like to join, too. Definitely check her out.
Danny and I escaped to Jasper again for the fall reading week break, and it was good medicine. We had an entire glacier to ourselves, avoided all bears, and got to be townies for the week. I don’t think I ever need to go to Banff again.
Jasper, AB I continue to love teaching technical communication courses, despite how terrible everything is all around us. This year I started a few tweaks to my teaching, including creating a ridiculous sticker incentive chart and the first-ever RCM 200 public speaking awards.
I am a newfound user of Canva, and graphic design is now my passion.
Our tree is up, and while there’s not a lot of snow on the ground outside, tonight it’s our annual “make paper snowflakes and watch Happiest Season” with the teen. We’re going to make it merry.