Tell me, what is it you plan to [scroll] / with your one wild and precious life?
with apologies to Mary Oliver
Hi, I’m Rebekah and I have a social media problem.
Sure, I’ll say that the main reason I remain on Twitter (the only thing I will forever deadname) is because of all the friends, connections, and professional development resources I find can online, but really there’s something about that sweet, sweet hit of dopamine whenever someone likes or comments on something I’ve said.
Yet, in case you haven't noticed, these social media sites are being governed by evil billionaire overlords who change rules on a whim and allow gross people to be amok. I know there’s other social media platforms out there that could work as alternatives for me, but there’s a part of me that sees this shift-in-media as an opportunity to start thinking more about why I say what I say online, along with how I choose to use my time in a day.
This post's title is tongue-in-cheek and a reference to a Mary Oliver poem that means a lot to me and many others.
I opened my email on Sunday morning last week and saw a last-minute invitation to join a class on ‘Writing the Personal’ with author/teacher Mar Grace. I’ve heard about them for a while, thanks to a Twitter connection. Since I’ve been feeling so stuck lately, I decided to follow my intuition (that’s fancy talk for impulse buy), and I joined the course as my own kind of Advent calendar: 3 December Sundays’ worth learning, reflecting, and writing.
I have been able to listen more to my inner voice and record my thoughts. While I love my job teaching writing and communication, I can see how there’s an academic work hazard that forces you to think of writing only in a limited way. Plus, as a graduate student, I’m still conditioned to consider my writing as a product to be assessed or criticized — all of which makes me even more hesitant to write anything personal at all.
I want to change that.
I want to start living my “one wild and precious life” with more purpose.
“Will I want to be on my phone less, if I’m in my life more?” (Mar Grace)
I like scrolling, I do. I really do. I want to see ALL the poltical news, and read allllll the teaching strategies, in addition to know allllllllllll the Bravolebrity gossip. I also like to share online: whether it's a funny meme, a pedagogical reflection, a hot take on our dismal city council, or to post some encouragement to a friend.
But. Is this healthy? And is this how I want to spend my days, mindlessly tapping a screen?
As a result of being in Mar’s writing class, they’ve got me thinking and wanting to read more about my writing — at this point, I’ve got a whole list growing. A couple days ago, I picked up a big pile of books from the library, and honestly? The first thing I wanted to do was to take a picture and post it on Instagram to show everyone what I’m going to be reading. See?
And then I thought: what if I … didn’t post?
The next day, I wrote about this experience during my morning pages:
Yesterday when reading mar's book, I wanted to stop and take a picture of all the books I just picked up from the library and post it on Insta. I did take the pic, but I didn't post it. I wanted to, but then I also wanted to see what it would feel like if I didn't. And? I survived just fine. I actually sat down and read one of the books in the pile -- whereas if I had posted about it, I would have probably been too busy checking in to see the responses to what I posted.
Which is both funny and sad. I know social media provides connection, but it can be so isolating. I want to reexamine my relationship to these tools, but not from a moralistic, judgemental lens. More from wanting to better understand the reasons behind why I do what I do. mar wrote about that dichotomy -- a tool that brings together and pulls apart.
That reflection made me think of the word "cleave.” As a language nerd, it's one of those intriguing words I love. It’s got a dual, contradictory meaning — it can mean to pull together AND it can also mean to pull apart.
Social media is also a contradiction: it is both helpful and harmful to me. Lately, with the world on fire, it’s leaning toward the latter. Mar wrote: “The realization that my phone was helping disconnect as much as it was isolating me was the beginning of a healing path to my iPhone.”
I started this little newsletter about a year ago, just as Twitter was beginning to go down in flames. It allowed me to think in thoughts longer than 280 characters, and it now serves as a reflective archive of my life’s journey. But this little online space of mine can be so much more.
I'm not a believer in making New Year resolutions, but I do appreciate the idea of setting intentions for the year ahead. My intention for year 2 of this ‘stack is to make it a lot more active of a space for me to reflect, share, and process. The world’s on fire, and doomscrolling won’t cut it for me anymore.
I want to use my voice, which means I should first make more effort to listen to it.
Things that brought me joy this week:
The first RCM 200 student speaker awards were a success! It was a lot of fun to have students nominate their classmates to recognize their hard work. I brought mini-cupcakes for everyone, and it was amazing to end the class on such a high note. I'm never having a final exam review as the last thing students remember about their class experience.
I *finally* updated the About page of this little newsletter. It only took 13 months.
My keffiyeh arrived! I’m so excited to wear it all around, to remind people of Palestine. This video does a good job of explaining why I want to wear it:
Speaking of writing about the personal, my partner Danny recorded a mini-documentary that has been a long time coming: Keeping Ethan Alive. I am so proud of him, if only because I know so much about the cost of this story. Please listen, and then send it to everyone you know. Love you, Eli.
Good books to check out: The September House (creepy psychological ghost story), Phantom (written by my friend Helen! it’s another wild ride), and Foe (climate horror FTW).
Watch: Love Has Won: The Cult of Mother God. This was a wild watch y’all.
And! I have a new therapist. I have a feeling I will need her help to heal from the last one. Stay tuned.
Meme of the week:
