from accountability to awareness
or, why sometimes it is a good thing to break up with your therapist.
Well, I did it. I actually did break up with my therapist. Maybe "break up" is too strong a term, but I realized that the style of therapy I was receiving wasn't as helpful for me anymore. I needed a different approach that allowed for more space for emotions.
I won't deny that the past six months have included some of the biggest challenges I've ever faced, and this is coming from someone with a lot of baggage - growing up in the Deep South, two divorces, and leaving evangelicalism behind (translation: I've got my fair share of issues).
We parted ways on good terms, and I am grateful for all the help and insights I gained from our work together over the past couple of years. I now understand how systems work and how my contribution shapes the outcomes I desire. Instead of blaming others or taking on a victim mentality, I can see my role and responsibility in shaping my life.
My last therapist challenged me in many ways — I thought she was incredibly smart (maybe a little intimidating), and she is someone who I respect a lot. But what I found missing in our conversations that there wasn’t a lot of compassion being discussed. Whenever we would process, it was very analytical in its focus. Granted, I am someone who pretty much lives full-time in my cognitive brain space, and while that’s a comfortable place for me to be in, I also recognize that there needs to be some space left for my feelings.
My new therapist practices somatic psychology, and I'm curious to see how becoming more aware of my body will help me become less reactive to stress and other challenges in my life. This approach still involves working with systems, but now I'll be using my whole body to process my stress, grief, anxiety, and more, rather than just relying on my cognitive processes.
It's still early days with the switch, but I'm hopeful. One thing that stood out to me from our first session was my new therapist's emphasis on self-compassion. Admittedly, this is an area I struggle with. I'm great at being compassionate towards others, holding space for them, and offering advice, but I rarely extend the same kindness to myself.
She said that self-compassion is a pillar to self-healing — which means I can’t really ignore it any more, can I?
Being compassionate to myself also means being kinder to myself, which is something I definitely struggle with. I've talked before about how I use Brené Brown's equation of compassion + accountability to help guide my life, finding a balance to keep me honest. It prevents me from being overly-compassionate, which can come across as patronizing or codependent, or from being overly-accountable, which can make me a hardass.
But my new therapist had a suggestion - why not replace accountability with awareness? It's an interesting idea, and I'm open to trying it out. It could help me be more mindful and present, and better attuned to my own needs and emotions. It could also help me be a lot more kinder to myself.
I don’t know about you, but lately it’s been especially exhausting attending to all the “shoulds” in my life right now. I should go to yoga. I should eat better. I should make time for more writing on my diss proposal. I should mark these papers. I should go to the awkward departmental event. I should be happier because I’m so privileged. etc etc
I'll see if I can break out of my old patterns of embracing my "sinful nature" and consequently beating myself up for not being perfect. It's surprising how much religious indoctrination can still affect me, even today. I think a lot of my current unhappiness stems from the unrealistic standards I was taught while growing up, or maybe it's just a Western, colonial ideal of what "success" should be like.
Regardless, I’m hoping this new approach helps me take better care. Of me.
Things that brought me joy this week:
Classes are over! Now comes the avalanche of marking. As part of wrapping up our experience, I asked students what surprising takeaways they had after giving their 5-minute speeches. My favourite feedback was when a student said: “no offense, Rebekah, but I got so much more out of hearing the feedback from my classmates” — YES, THIS. I know some teachers would feel a sting, but for me, I want my classes to be a true community. And honestly, I am always so blown away by how supportive and engaged students are when I give them the space to take the lead.
Today’s booking day for Narrow Hills Provincial Park — one of my favourite places in SK. I’m not sure how much camping we will get in this summer, but we will at least spend May long up there.
I survived March! Except now April is looking equally hairy. This month’s goal is to ride the avalanche of marking and hopefully submit my dissertation proposal.
In May I’m giving a paper with a Twitter academic pal that is going to make some waves, I think. We are going after “ungrading,” a popular alternative assessment technique. I’m excited at the collab and ready to be an academic troublemaker (again).
