I almost fired my therapist this week
when your ideals make you look like a jerk
I like to joke that I’ve exhausted all the available counselors in Saskatoon, so I now use Zoom to meet with a therapist who lives in Vancouver. During our session on Thursday, my therapist may have joked that she was surprised that she wasn’t “fired” because of all the hard truths she had lobbied my way.
Since we only meet every other month, I have some time to reflect on what we discussed and decide whether or not to accept or reject some of the things we talked about.
I have previously written about my struggles with self-care, and during our session, I described a situation where I am getting increasingly frustrated by the lack of effort of some people, to the point where my body is physically reacting to the stress. This is a common theme where my expectations and ideals clash with the constraints of reality. I find it hard to stop caring when things are being done poorly, especially when it doesn’t have to be this way.
My therapist’s conclusion is that my angst stems from my superiority complex.
I’m not entirely sure what to make of this, but my first instinct is to argue against it, which is usually a sign that it’s a hard truth I need to think more about.
One of my goals for this year is to shift my mindset, especially when it comes to the challenging people who are a part of my life. Ultimately, I want to have more unconditional positive regard and kindness, similar to how I feel about my students, where I can be neutral and meet people where they are at, instead of feeling resentment for who I think they “should” be.
Part of this work will need to include giving myself some honest gut-checks.
Recently, I have been teaching my students about academic integrity and the importance of understanding their INTENT. To reach my goal of accepting more and judging less, I know I need to work on understanding my own intent and being more aware of my own biases.
It's a simple truth, but increasingly I realize that I can only control myself and my own actions and re-actions. Instead of getting frustrated with others' shortcomings that I subjectively perceive, I should focus on being the best person I can be. Instead of striving to "win" arguments, I should work to make my argument as clear as possible.
I tell my students that it's okay if their reader doesn't agree with their conclusions, but it's never okay if their audience doesn't care about what they have to say. I think that's a principle I should also apply to my own life. I know that many people will not agree with me, but I can work to meet them where they are so that they at least care about my message, before they reject it.
Anyway, I’m still thinking about what my therapist had to say.
And about how wrong she is, and about how right I happen to be. :)
Things that brought me joy this week:
I was able to prep and send TWO conference proposals this week, for teaching and learning events I love to be a part of.
My STLHE proposal talks about the perils of the ‘performance model’ in higher ed, and my OTESSA paper will talk about the need to re-invent pedagogy to include more student choice. One of these conferences is in Charlottetown!
Emma started driving this week! I am not ready for how fast the time is flying.
I submitted a question to Anne Helen Peterson’s podcast Work Appropriate, and it got accepted!! She’s tackling the broken work system of academia, and my question is both personally- and professionally-driven:
Higher education often touts its "collegial processes," when in reality, much of it is driven under an individualized, performance-based model. Whether it’s reading my students’ course evaluations or competing with my departmental colleagues for merit raises, the academy is built on a flawed meritocracy, where the pursuit of individual success becomes the priority. As a result, we seek and value the "good opinion" of our students and colleagues, even when it comes at the expense of our values and beliefs. I used to think the problem was with me, but I now realize it lies within the system.
All around me, I can see how this performance mindset is unconsciously shaping our interactions and choices that we make within higher ed — which leaves me wondering: How can I navigate and survive within a system that runs counter to my values as an educator? How can I maintain my motivation when my colleagues view my successes as their competition, rather than as an opportunity to collaborate?
I had a ton of walks, chats, and lunches/coffees with friends this week. I’m reminded of all the connections I have, and I’m really grateful for y’all. Keep bugging my introverted ass to hang out more.
meme of the week:
