grrrl meets Canada (+ mamahood)
on independence days
On the morning of May 11, 2002, I graduated with an English lit honours degree from Armstrong Atlantic State University in Savannah, Georgia. By the evening of that same day, I was on a flight to Saskatoon, SK to start a new life in Canada.
It’s wild to reflect on my last 22 turns around the sun. Today I couldn't imagine starting my life in a new country, but I did it.
And I was only 24.
When I consider my life being divided into two, it brings up a variety of emotions and memories: pride, grief, melancholy, happiness, sadness, but most of all: relief.
I’ve been thinking about cognitive dissonance a lot lately. It could be, in part, because of my emotion-based goal I wrote about last week: I want to feel more whole, and cognitive dissonance can be something that breaks people apart. Everywhere I look, I see so many shades of dissonance, so maybe it’s in our human nature.
Yet when I think back to the reasons why I left the US, I can see now that the main reason I left was because the cognitive dissonance in my life was beginning to kill me. I grew up being told the world was a particular way, only to discover it was not like that. At all. And I knew I had to get out.
This weekend is also Mother’s Day, and I’m finding myself feeling especially sensitive and reflective about who I am as a mama. 18 years ago, I found out I was going to be a mom and I found out on actual Mother’s Day! I was one of those irritating people who very much loved being pregnant.
I sometimes recall feeling my baby inside of me and remember how special it was — that time was only for her and I. I remember how she would often get hiccups, and how it always felt like little rhythmic kicks or flutters. Ironically, she still gets hiccups frequently these days and is always annoyed at them. It makes me laugh to think of tiny pissed-off Emma in the womb.
Next year on Mother’s Day, Emma will be 18 years old, technically making her an adult. This means this will be my last Mother’s Day with a kid! Which, of course, makes me want to reflect on my job as her mama.
Granted, I’ve been thinking about parenting roles a lot these days — especially considering the legal struggle Emma and I are currently in with her birth father. Thankfully, the legal (not justice) system is finally doing its thing, despite all the needless delays and stress. But it does make me think about the parenting legacy I am leaving behind with her.
Being a mom has been the most fulfilling, wrenching, most life-affirming, exhausting job I have ever had —and I don’t regret a single minute.
I am proud of who I have been, as a parent, with my girl — along with how strong and confident and kind and generous she is becoming — despite so many challenges she’s already faced in her short 17 years.
I will not take credit for who she is and who she is becoming — because that is the result of her hard work and perseverance! But I will take some credit for helping to set up the conditions for her to thrive (and survive).
And I know all parents say this, but I really do have an exceptional human as a kid. My vow is to never take who she is for granted or attempt to make her become who I believe she “should” be — even when her room is disgusting, and she decides to eat kimchi in the bathtub.
This weekend we are in Calgary, where she and her girlfriend are geeking out in an anime convention.
Earlier this week, Emma also submitted her AP Art portfolio and I’m so proud of all the hard work she’s put into it over the past school year. She decided to position her artwork therapeutically, and I think the course has helped her process much of the pain in her heart.
She gave me permission to post her artist statement, which I want to keep here:
The art in my portfolio tells a story, and I hope each piece will help others to feel less alone. Each one is unique, showing different chapters of my life story, so far. For example, for piece 4, I added photography techniques to help expand one of my earlier pre-AP Art pieces. This revised composition now better represents the visual consequences of when someone faces a choice that can lead to corrupt feelings of jealousy. Piece 8, “Love Crumbs,” is about someone who thinks she’s satisfied with the small amount of love she receives, only to find out it is not enough for her to survive.
In my portfolio, a big part of my method was to update some of my old pieces, to better help me to begin to process the strong emotions that I was not able to express at the time. The first pieces in my portfolio start out bright and colourful, but the colours gradually become more muted, showing how I see the world in different shades now. The last piece of my portfolio is the most realistic in its style, reminding me of my greatest challenge so far. I hope my portfolio shows why it’s important to deal with traumatic times in a healthy way, and to not be afraid to face hard experiences.
That’s my kid. And I’m her mama.
Things that brought me joy this week:
Last Sunday I was able to participate in a tarot workshop on the Death card with teacher Jessica Dore. I’ve read Jessica’s work for many years, and I have been making a practice of saying YES to opportunities that drop into my life unexpectedly. I have been a long-time reader of her newsletter, and when I saw she was going to speak on this card, I knew I had to go. I have a feeling tarot will play a big part in my recovery — I’ve ignored my intuition for far too long, and these cards help me get out of my head and more into my heart.
We are in the process of finding a new executive director for Saskatoon Sexual Health, and it brings me joy (and exhaustion) to put action behind my activism. This org matters, and I am grateful for its presence in our community — and I will have its back to do what I can to ensure its success.
I had many friend dates this week: zoom chats, walks, Market Mall co-working, AF beers in the sunshine, and holding Danny’s hand on walks. I’m grateful for my community who loves me + holds me up.
I HAVE A NEW LAPTOP. And it’s all mine — no more university managed computers for this grrrl. And I may have secured the stickers before the actual laptop. Let’s get this diss written.
Emma and I have a Judicial Case Conference scheduled for next week. Wish us luck.
Reading: Google maps mislead me in downtown Calgary. Listening: Back home for the funeral by Donovan Woods. Watching: Stormy take a stand against an impotent despot.
Meme of the week:
