the whole in my heart
a return to wholeness despite the brokenness all around me
Before getting into this week’s post, let me begin by saying how much my heart is with all the students who are standing up for Gaza in campus encampments around the globe. I’ve been wearing my keffiyeh on campus all week, and somehow wearing it near my broken heart feels like it helps.
I am furious over how the media and politicians are positioning the students in the protests — and it feels surreal to watch history repeat itself in real time. I am so proud of all these students who are righteously standing up for justice in a world that resists it. 🍉
I usually like to have a kind of theme or reflection to focus on my weekly writing, but so much of my last week has felt like a disjointed mess, which this week's words may reflect.
I started my week by clarifying a new emotion-based goal for me to pursue — now that we’re finally heading into the Spring, I am beginning to feel the usual, dreaded ‘stuck’ kind-of feeling, which means there are likely some adjustments to be made on my path ahead.
Learning about emotion-based goals has been a big part of my recovery work over the past few months. This kind of mindset-shift doesn’t involve recovering from substances as it is more about understanding how our brain functions whenever we try to make changes.
Rather than focus on the behaviour you want to change, an emotion-based goal focuses on how you want to FEEL about the change you’re making.
Choosing an emotion-based goal can feel like a major shift when setting intentions. For me, I first thought my goal was to choose to stop drinking when I’m in distress, but that is mainly behavioural. Few feelings are involved in that intention, while there are many opportunities for me to feel like a failure if I falter.
Which got me thinking: when it comes to having the kind of life I don’t want to escape from, what is it that I want to feel? And because I stopped to listen, I think I got an answer: I want to feel whole. I want to be honest.
As I process some of the more difficult chapters of the life I left behind, I am starting to see how fragmented I am — not whole. One of the best takeaways I’ve gotten from recovery is that to feel whole, you must accept all parts of yourself — which means accepting the light and the dark sides of what make you, you.
I know that the stress and problems in my life are never resolved when I choose to avoid them — whether it's by drinking to numb or binging on social media or choosing to constantly over-work at my job. Addictions are brain diseases and become the tools people use to cope with difficult situations in their lives. Granted, they are terrible tools. But for me to make the changes I desire, I can see now that it is more about how I want to feel about the change and less about policing my behaviour.
The other big takeaway in my new emotion-based goals is this: Recovery isn’t (just) about quitting drinking. Recovery is life. Which means I can now take this goal of being more whole + honest and apply it everywhere in my life.
Now that I’m looking at my goal from an emotional perspective, it feels so much lighter for me to accomplish my intention. My path becomes less about maintaining a streak and more about making the choices that help me feel more as I’d like to.
I started this year by saying my 2024 word was ‘torch.’ And honestly, doing all this hard work has both helped me see more light AND to feel more lighter along the way. I’m excited to work more on the choices that lead me to feeling more connected and truer to who I am.
In other news, I am going to have to say goodbye to a dear friend this week: my 2018 MacBook laptop, who is beginning the crossing into the techno-Valhalla after going through 1000+ battery cycles.
I did a small eulogy for her over on Twitter, but I think it’s worthwhile to give her a little more permanent of a salute. There was a part of me that really wanted this silly machine to last me all the way through writing my dissertation, but this week after a factory reset (and many tussles with my campus IT dept), I think it’s time she gives up the ghost.
Yes, I’m sentimental, but this laptop and I have been through a lot.
In the last six years, this laptop has helped me to:
design (from scratch) TWO versions of my technical communication course on TWO different learning management systems. Most instructors have multiple monitors for this kind of course design. I had a 13” laptop screen.
complete my comprehensive exams and my dissertation proposal and ethics application
deliver over a dozen conference presentations, posters, or talks
co-write two textbooks I’m so proud of
watch countless hours of terrible reality tv (okay, so maybe this isn’t an accomplishment, but here’s honest Rebekah)
teach (and grade!) around 40 sections of various technical communication courses
She’s had a good run. And now she’s ready for a long nap. (frankly, same)
Things that brought me joy this week:
My final marks were submitted on Tuesday! I was so pleased with how students ended their course experience, and there were many moments of joy while reading their exams. I don’t have to teach again until September, so here’s hoping my burnout will be over by the time I start back.
The photo for this week’s post comes from my newest co-writing office, the food court at Market Mall. It’s such a weird and wonderful little space, and I’m so glad for my friend Sheena who gets this mall (and, gets me). This week we started our weekly writing date, and yes, we both got hit on by a 91-year-old.
Hung up more grrrl art! These prints are by Rachael Meckling.
Speaking of art, Emma had her AP art show this week! I’m so proud of how she’s used art as a kind of therapy to process so much of the troubles she’s had.
This week I was able to interact with two authors whose work has meant so much to me this year.
First, I sent a message to author Stefanie Wilder-Taylor — and SHE WROTE BACK! I think she appreciated my trash-talking of Katie Couric (who I have zero respect for after reading Stefanie’s book).
I also got to speak out in a TLC meeting with author Laura McKowen, who’s work has also meant so much for me.
I made a new academic bestie this week, after we both survived the THREE AND A HALF HOUR LONG faculty union meeting on Tuesday. The meeting was an eye-opening experience to endure, and not for good reasons.
Renewed my bike locker for another year! I share its access with good friends, and I’m excited for more seasons of human-powered transport.
Reading: Why I Left, Why I Stayed. Watching: Kristen on Top Chef. Listening: to my laptop fan that’s constantly on.
Meme of the week:
You should write randomly & sans theme more often, that was a cracker 👍🥰