not your average prepper
on being ready for what's ahead
One of my favorite gratitude practices is to remind myself that “everything is terrible, this brings me joy.1”
This silly statement has always been a kind of shortcut for me to gain perspective whenever my life feels too overwhelming to process — which, if you haven't been following the news lately, feels pretty much like every day.
This past month has been tumultuous for me, even beyond watching my home country morph into an authoritarian regime. The end of the academic year always brings its own challenges, with everyone on campus exhausted after eight months of school. Plus, here in Saskatchewan, we ride the roller coaster of "will it snow again or not?" while the rest of the world seems to be outside enjoying spring's daffodils and green grass.
April always feels like the cruelest month, and this year, I somehow managed to add even more stress at work — making it all too tempting to give up and check out, given all the terrible things piling up. Yet, I know that my mindset and how I feel about the world are ultimately up to me to control. It's foolish to let the world around me be the sole barometer for my feelings.
Earlier this weekend, I was rereading some of my recovery journal entries and I came across this statement:
Healing is not just uncovering our past — it is also a process of reconnecting to our present.
Over the past eighteen months I have found myself doing a lot of thinking and reflecting about what it means to heal. It started back in December 2023, before I decided to quit drinking, when my therapist first suggested I might be carrying unresolved complex trauma after growing up in the evangelical church.
The older I become, the more I recognize how the stories we tell ourselves ultimately shape our lives. And while changing the stories we carry is possible, I also know that becoming the author of your life’s story can be some of the hardest work you can ever do for yourself — because not everyone in your life will agree with your choice of plot or characters.
Yet, as challenging as it can be to revisit difficult chapters or stories from your past, I am here to say that the brave act of facing (not avoiding) your troubled history can help you to shape your current life into exactly what you need it to be.
I don’t know if this realization has come to me as I’m approaching a new phase in my life (crone!), but these days I feel much more secure in accepting all of who I am. There is a peace I now have with my past, and I’m slowly working through the storylines I’ve long internalized and ignored (or avoided with unhealthy coping methods).
Not only that, but I’m also starting to recognize when I’m following a narrative given to me, rather than one I would choose for myself — and these days I feel bold enough to no longer accept a story I didn’t write.
Later this week, I'm looking forward to finalizing my Term 2 courses so I can transition from being a faculty member to a full-time graduate student — and finally get back to finishing my dissertation. I've been surprised and grateful by how much my doctoral research has helped me face recent workplace conflicts. While I'm burned out after a challenging academic year, I'm thankful that all the self-work I've been doing over the past few months is finally paying off. I feel ready.
Even better, my nervous system and I are still on speaking terms. Although I've been triggered several times over the last few weeks, I haven't given in to the overwhelm. And despite my past tendency to avoid and suppress difficult emotions, today I'm working through them, using both my mind and body to let those feelings out.
One of my latest guilty-pleasure subReddits is a women-identifying board TwoXPreppers: “A place where women can talk about prepping for their specific needs.” It’s not an alarmist sub where people talk about panic-buying hoards of food — it’s more about finding ways to feel ready (“prepped”) for whatever lies ahead.
It was on this sub where I first learned about a prepper motto: “we prep for Tuesday, not doomsday” — in other words, it’s better to prepare for what’s most likely to go wrong rather than prep for the apocalypse.
In many ways, all the self-work I've done has prepped me for this moment, where my integrity is being challenged. Instead of succumbing to an emotional flood or seeking ways to self-medicate, I now find myself ready to face it head-on — and I'm even prepared to accept the consequences.
A big part of why I feel ready is because I wasn't afraid to confront my difficult past. This healing work has prepared me in so many unexpected ways, and I am grateful that addressing my past has better equipped me to handle my challenging present (and future).
Things that brought me joy this week:
Emma is in Japan for her exchange! She left Tuesday, and I'm feeling a mix of emotions — yet another paradox to add to my list. I am incredibly excited that all her hard work and patience has finally led her to this life-changing experience. At the same time, as her mama, it's devastating to realize this trip marks the start of her having an entire life that’s outside of mine. She's so ready. I am not. 💔
At my local VersaClimber gym, we have a challenge this month to "climb" Mt. Everest. So far, I've made it up over 25,000 feet (a little less than 4 miles!). Only about a mile left for me to go.
I finally picked up my art auction wins from Saskatoon Sexual Health and I got to tour their new downtown clinic space. I'm so proud of this little organization and its team — over the last 2 years they've been through incredibly challenging times but have come out stronger. And, now I have some grown-up art on my walls!
Keitha McClocklin "Every Limb Has a Song", (Boreal Forest series) Before she left, Emma found my long-lost and favourite headband! I know it sounds ridiculous, but I've been mourning its loss since last summer and have been scouring for it. I thought I may have lost it while camping, but she found it hiding in a duffel bag. As a lazy girl who loves the ease of a good summer headband, this is perfect timing.
PhDing: Starting this Wednesday, I'm ready to get my dissertation's argument out of my head and onto paper. Yes, I'm partly doing it for the funky graduation hat and gown, but even more to prove many people wrong. It's time to channel my rage over a toxic system into meaningful research that will help others who are also surviving it.
Watching: Top Chef (in Canada!) Reading: Terrible thrillers on Kindle. Listening: Embracing Anger to Find Joyful Agency on the Teaching in Higher Ed podcast.
Meme of the week:
yes, the comma splice makes it perfect