more body, less head

Why can't I just be a walking brain?

beautiful decay at the community garden

For those of us in the northern hemisphere, it’s fall, y’all.

Autumn is the prettiest season, particularly as we watch things around us slowly die. Growing up in the deep south, where seasons seamlessly drift from green to not-green and back to green again, I have such a fondness for this time of year when the world explodes in bright colours.

It’s been a week since our day in court, and I’m almost over the trauma + stress of that experience. We are still waiting to hear back from the judge, and I think I have mentally prepared myself for whatever result comes from my haphazard Family Law career. Hilariously, several of y’all have suggested that I get a T-shirt with the “vexatious and litigious” label on it, but honestly, I wish I never had to go through that stressful experience (or the events from the 18 months leading up to it).

That said, a week after court, I can report that Emma has found the closure she was looking for, which makes all my stress worthwhile.

She’s sleeping better, and her eyes are bright with plans for her future. This next year will be challenging enough for her, with all the impending transitions and important decisions to be made. Yet now, she won’t have to carry the weight of separating herself from her dad, because she no longer fears being forced into an unhealthy relationship with him.

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I always struggle to transition from the free-flowing, autonomous days of summer back to the scheduled, collegial days of the academic year. This September the shift has felt especially challenging, as I feel pulled in so many directions. To help with some of the stress I’ve been feeling, I had my first-ever session with an “academic coach” earlier this week.

We had a good chat, and I walked away with more strategies. Alas, the best advice she gave me is something I already know I should be doing more of — paying more attention to my body and how it processes the stresses I’m under. Her followup email to me was short but sweet: more body, less head.

Admittedly, I’m a CBT nerd. If only I could just THINK about the things I need to fix in my life, and not have to haul this body around in the process.

But like the good book says, the body keeps the score. My brain can tell me lies, but my nervous system is often as sober as a judge. (ugh, back to thinking about court again)

I recognize that I need to pair more external physical awareness with all the internal mindset-shifting I’m also working on. This means feeding and hydrating my body more, and recognizing that while coffee may contain water, it’s not the same as consciously staying hydrated. I’m also terrible at regulating how and when I eat, and I should probably incorporate more “stupid walks for my mental health” and less time rotting on the couch with bad TV.

This last month I learned a new term: interoception. This Guardian article describes it as “the hidden sense that shapes well-being.” Essentially, it’s the process of sensing signals in the body — using your body (not your brain) to help you answer the question, “How do I feel?”

I SUCK AT IT.

There’s a good chance I could be somatically-deficient because of all the complex trauma I carry, whether from growing up in a problematic church environment or from working in the high-stress industry of higher education. Regardless of its cause, I have come to dread being asked the question, “Where do you feel this [emotion] in your body?”

That said, now that I am understand more of how our brain controls everything, I realize I need to get past my intellectual snootiness and start to connect my mind more to my body.

I took a quick “nervous system quotient” self-assessment quiz and I only scored a 48% on my interoceptive abilities:

So you’re telling me that I “live in my head” AND there’s a chance of burnout in my future?! Quelle surprise, y’all.

After our session, my academic coach suggested a couple of resources for me to explore. I'll list them here mainly for my own record and benefit, but if they help you, a fellow walking brain, that will bring me joy:

1. How To Reset A Dysregulated Nervous System (14 Techniques): This is the fourth video in a series about understanding the fundamentals of the nervous system. I have a feeling I'm going to watch the whole series! One of my new goals is to find a way to hack into my nervous system and make peace with it.

2. Tiny Experiments: How to Live Freely in a Goal-Obsessed World: One of the speakers in the video above has a book coming out soon with this title. It pairs the realities of neuroscience with goal-setting. It’s not out until the spring, but I’m going to order a copy. There's also a YouTube video where she describes some of her methodology and upcoming book.

3. Breathwork Exercise: My coach also shared this breathwork exercise with me. One day, I may be brave enough to click the link and try it out.

I’m optimistic that I can raise my “interoception score” in the coming days. Since starting my recovery journey earlier this year, understanding the neuroscience and physicality of our bodies has helped me become more self-compassionate. It feels like I have been finally been given permission to accept all of my self, but that acceptance only came after I started better understanding how my body can work for — or against — me.

Here’s to implementing my coach’s advice of focusing on “more body, less head” in the coming days of this academic year. My fingers are (literally) crossed!

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Things that brought me joy this week:

• Yesterday, Emma and I went to a bunch of local bridal and formalwear shops to find her graduation outfit. Every teen wants to find the “perfect” dress, but here in Saskatoon, there’s the added pressure of each grad gown being unique. There are literal databases that track who has bought which gown, and you’re not allowed to have the same dress as someone else at your grad.¹ We found a dress! But I’m still not over the fact that it cost more than my wedding dress.

• Speaking of the girl, she’s submitted another application for this year’s Japanese exchange program. Fingers crossed that this is her year.

• Classes are going great! The first test of our relationship will be later this week when they submit their first assignment. I’ve got four sections of the course this term, and I will NOT be burned out by grading this term (she proclaims foolishly optimistically).

• This week I had two great dates with one of my longest friends in Saskatoon and my #1 gay boyfriend, Todd. We went to an NDP Drag Brunch last Sunday, where I got to meet (and kinda fangirl over) NDP’s Edmonton MLA Janis Irwin, who I’ve followed on social media for ages. She’s great.

great human

• I also got my absentee ballot and Harris-Walz camo hat in the mail! LETS GOOOOOO

• Goblin’s Grill burgers and their green mystery soda.

• PhDing: I met with my committee earlier this week and gave them my dissertation framework that finally has clicked into place for me. They were super supportive and excited about what I came up with! Now all that is left to do is actually write it. 😬 That said, I have set up so many recurring writing dates and groups into my weekly schedule, where I inevitably have to return to writing out the ideas I’m carrying around.

• Watching: Sister Wives Season 19! (now the show feels a little too ‘reality’ for me). Listening: Stampede by Orville Peck. Reading: A Billion Years: My Escape From a Life in the Highest Ranks of Scientology by Mike Rinder.

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Meme of the week:

radishesque, if you will

1. It seems like we could be tracking more important aspects of the educational process than outfit choices (and no, tuxes aren’t as heavily tracked).